Fear, Choice and Death

Ever have somebody want to kill you? I mean actually plan and plot and tell your daughter how they were going to do it?  Someone who made it their mission to destroy you. Now imagine walking around every day knowing that there was someone out there who’s sole desire was to kill you.  

I remember they day I made the choice.  I had spent months walking around in fear of my soon-to-be-ex husband. Constantly looking over my shoulder. Unable to sleep because of every creak and squeak in the dark.  And one day I decided to stop.  I decided I had already given eight years of my life to someone who didn’t deserve them.  I wasn’t going to give one more day.  I understood the reality. “Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship,” the Domestic Violence Intervention Program reports. I was taking a risk by leaving. I was taking a bigger risk by staying.  I was tired of being afraid. Tired of giving control to someone who had been controlling me for 8 years. I wanted my control back. And that day I took it.  If I was going to die, I was going to die without giving  him one more day, one more minute, or one more second of my life. I choose to let go of fear and trust my fate.

I never looked back.

Twelve years later I realize what a defining moment that was for me and how it would affect my life and my choices forever.

This morning I woke up to a headline that read, “US Reported More than 10,000 Covid-19 Deaths in Four Days.”  Crap, that’s a lot of people.  That sounds scary. So, I ran the numbers.

• 14,400,000 have had a positive COVID-19 diagnosis
• 279,000 have died
• .019 % of people diagnosed have died
• We have 331,000,000 million people in America
• Only .043 % of the population has had COVID-19

Ok Tara, back into your rational brain.  Take a deep breath and repeat, “I will not be afraid.”

I know that’s easy to say when I’m not a nurse or doctor overworked, exhausted and surrounded by death. I know that’s easy to say when I’m not one of the 279,000 families that are celebrating Christmas this year without someone they love. I know that’s easy to say when I’m not over 65 and that stat doesn’t apply to me.

My mom and I argue on this. She’s afraid to leave the house. I get it, she’s 74.   So far she’s missed all 3 grandkids birthdays, Mother’s day, her birthday, my birthday, my brother’s birthday, our Annual 4^th of July BBQ, a trip to Cali to see my brother, Halloween with her grandkids, her annual Vermont trip, and Thanksgiving. Well not completely missed, if you count the occasional outdoor social distancing visit where we have sat 20 feet part and passed cake through an elaborate system of who touched it last.

I’m hearing about nursing homes that are in full shut down mode. We have a close family friend in one. I asked my mom if I could send her an Advent gift. Her year has been even harder than my mom’s because she doesn’t get to do backyard 20 feet apart distancing dates.  I figured an Advent calendar that gave her a fun gift to open might give her something to look forward to each day. My mom said no packages are allowed in. Apparently, I have more access to a local inmate than my grandma-by-choice.

I try to think how I would feel if situations were reversed. If that was me. I wonder if I was at an age where I might already be celebrating my last holidays, what would I want to do?  It leads to me to the ultimate question: is life about living or about being alive?  I mean, what’s the point of being alive if I’m living in a paid Medicare version of jail?

I’m reminded that fear is unbiblical. (Isaiah  41:10, Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:9, Philippians 4:6-7, just for starters)

Common sense is biblical.  God says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.” (NKJV 2 Timothy 1:7) and a personal favorite when I feel my thoughts running wild.

So where is the line?  I mean, even after I decided I wouldn’t let fear of my ex rule my life, I was still cautious. I kept my alarm system on.  Parked in my garage so no one knew I was home. Stayed off posting where I was on social media (something to this day I am still aware of, and will often post only after I leave a location) and that’s just for starters. I didn’t just say, “Well I’m not afraid and so I’ll walk down the train tracks with the train coming!” (Back to that whole “sound mind” thing.)

I still don’t want to eat inside a restaurant and my daughter thinks it’s crazy.

I admit, I still wash all my groceries which I also know the “experts” are saying we really don’t have to do anymore, but for some reason it makes me feel better thinking of all those people who touch my  food.

Neckgators make me nervous because they are COVID sieves and might be the equivalent of wearing nothing.  Like everything concerning COVID-19, the data on this changes weekly.

And I may or may not be the person who complained at Physical Therapy because no one was properly wearing a mask, including the receptionist who took her’s off completely to walk around prompting everyone else to think it was fine to do the same. And I may or may not now book my appointments at the end of the day so I am usually the only one there and the receptionist who was reprimanded after my complaining is gone for the day. (I have been warned by caring friends…if she ever offers me a coffee I should politely decline.)

With all of this though, I know that I won’t see my mom.  God forbid I am the one who unknowingly gives her COVID and she dies. My sister would never, and I mean never, forgive me.  Openly, I think my mom has a high likelihood of dying from COIVD. Not because of her age or because she has zero underlying health conditions and is probably healthier than I am, but simply because she believes it will kill her.  What we believe is powerful.  What we fear is more powerful. ( Job 3:25) And science proves to us fear destroys the immune system. So yeah, I’m not gonna be the one who kills off mom.

But it still hurts my heart.  Not just for my mom but for our country.

I think of the long-term financial devastation for small business owners. Restaurants that are closing, families that are behind on their mortgage, rent payments and utility payments.

I think of the child who just shot himself on a live zoom class during virtual school.  I guess school shootings still happen even if you’re remote.

I think of the vendors who rely on the holiday selling season for their craft shows which have been canceled. Those people who lost their income to Amazon and Cyber Monday.

I think of all the nonprofits who rely on 5K’s and in person Gala’s to raise money for very important causes in our country, ones that affect more than .019%.

I think it’ll be a few years before we see the mass financial devastation our choices have caused.

And I wonder if it’s worth it for .019%?

I know it’s worth it to the almost 300,000 families who lost family members. It matters to them.

But it also matters to the families of the 10,000 children that die every day from starvation. (Everyday. That’s 40,000 in four days.) Nobody has invested $9 billion dollars in the last eight months to change that. But, I guess that’s because the majority of those children we don’t know and they’re a different color.

I guess it matters of the families of the of the 261 alcoholics that die every day.  But on election night, “Where is the nearest liquor store” was the number one searched  Google term.

I bet it matters to the 97,966 business owners and all their employees who (as of Sept 2020) have permanently closed their businesses. An according to Kevin Kuhlman, VP of the National Federation of Independent Business,  “If economic trends continue at this rate, one in five business owner anticipates they won’t be able to make it until the end of the year.”  That’s a lot of employees out of work and a lot of money relocated to a handful of large corporations as consumers take their shopping elsewhere.

I think the biggest thing this virus should cause us to do is stop and think. Think about our choices, the way we go through life, the way we treat other people and just what we prioritize.

Just like my ex-husband, I don’t know if COVID will take my life, but I do know that it won’t take my peace. I do know I won’t let it control me with fear. Regardless if I live or die, I will not be afraid.

The choice is ours.  

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

The Spiritual Cave

Today we are tackling the third piece of how we want to emerge from our “Quarantine Cave.” First, we explored our emotional & mental choices. Then we considered our physical health & wellness.  (We took a detour with the barking dog). Now today we will dive into our spiritual health, because during this season we can choose to become spiritually stronger or spiritually weaker.

I saw this a lot while immersed in the childhood cancer world. The devastation of a child’s cancer diagnoses can really rock even the strongest faith. When faced with such a crisis there is a tendency to ask questions like, “Why me?” “Why did God let this happen?” or “Where is God in all of this?” I believe these are natural questions and crisis can shake our faith.

For me, one thing that served me well while I was going through my crisis with my daughter was I never asked the question “Why me?” I’ve always felt it was a narcissistic question because the answer is, “Well, why not me?” When we ask, “Why me?” we are really asking, “Why not you?  Why did this happen to my family and not yours?”  Yet, what makes us think we are so special that we get to go through life unscathed?

We all have loss, sadness, grief and trauma, it’s all part of life.

I never thought that God “gave cancer” to my daughter. Instead I thought, this is part of life. Kids get cancer and it just so happens my kid is one of them. Instead, it was my faith and my connection with God that helped me through that season.

So you may or may not have the same faith as me. That’s not what’s important. What’s important is that all of us have a spirit, a soul. Whatever it is that you’re connected to, this is the season that will either draw you in closer or push you farther away.

Maybe you’ve said in the past, “You know what? The real reason I don’t get up and pray every day is I just don’t have the time!” or “The reason I don’t sit and meditate every day is I just don’t have the time!” Well for lots of us, we now have plenty of time, and we no longer can cling to that excuse.  What if during this quarantine season we developed a habit of getting up and actually doing what we’d say we’d do if we had the time? What if we actually used our time to meditate or pray? How would that change our life?

Maybe you have the Bible sitting in the house somewhere and you’re thinking, “I’ve never actually read it.” Maybe you know passages, know a few scriptures or remember the stories you learned in a church service but never actually picked up the book itself to read it firsthand. Maybe you’ve never participated in a Bible study.  Could it be that after weeks of being at home it actually comes to, “You know, I’m kind of bored; I need something to do. Like there’s only so much Netflix I can watch; let me do a Bible study?” Plus, there’s tons of online Bible studies that you can join that are interactive and give us a chance to connect with other people (fight boredom and loneliness all at once!)

Even better, we now have access to all sorts of great apps to grow our spiritual health. I mentioned in a previous post two great meditation apps Head Space and the Oprah App. There’s also a few great Bible apps (I like Bible Hub) or Bible study plans (I like Jesus Calling and Holy Bible)  If you don’t read the Bible then find an app that supports your book of choice.

This is also a time for us to read.  Years ago I heard a quote from Charlie Jones that has stuck with me since then. He said,  “You will be the same person five years from now except for the people you meet and the books you read.” It reminded me that books can have a powerful impact on who we become.

Studies show that the average American reads 12 books a year. However, that number is impacted largely by avid readers. The most common answer was actually just 4 books a year. So, could this be a season that we go back to reading and impact who we become? Could simply reading a few extra books this season impact who we become in the long term?

Another way we can connect and grow our spiritual health is with journaling.  This can really make a difference during a season when we are already feeling angry, frustrated, and out of control. (Hey why do you think I started blogging again?)  It’s therapeutic! Sometimes I write for myself and sometimes I write to God.  In true transparency I usually write to God more when I’m angry.  Now, I know there are some people who are afraid to go to God when they are angry.  There’s lots of opinions about bringing your anger to God. Mine is that He knows me, He knows my weaknesses, He knows my strengths and He knows my frustration. He made me after all. I have full confidence He can handle me at my worst.

I feel fortunate that I had a strong faith in place before I had to exercise my resiliency muscle.  My faith didn’t waiver. If anything, it was during that season, when I felt so out of control and unsafe that my faith is what grounded me. There was a point where I just had release control. Start to live the saying, “Let go and let God.”  I had to come face to face with the fact there was very little in my control.

If you have read my book, “Making Cancer Fun: a parent’s guide” you might remember one of the last chapters where I share an excerpt from my journal during that time.  The book is about how I used fun as a coping tool during childhood cancer but this particular chapter is about having to come like face-to-face, on my bathroom floor, on my hands and knees in tears crying out,  “God, what if my kid doesn’t make it?” It was on a day when I had a reason to believe she had relapsed.  At that point there was not going to be a survival rate, a relapse would have meant focusing on extending her life not curing her cancer. In that moment I had to come to terms with how I would cope if she died. How would I get through something beyond devastating and couldn’t control. I can’t control cancer.  But the truth is, I can’t control what’s going to happen to her when she’d older either. I can’t control if she’s an adult and gets in a car accident or has a stroke long after cancer, right?

What’s difficult about this season in quarantine is we can’t control a virus or it’s impact. We can’t control whether our jobs are laying us off, whether businesses are going to be closing, whether a business is considered an essential business or not. Most of us are not the ones making state and public policies. We have no control on shutdowns, re-openings and CDC guidelines.

Some of us even feel very out of control in our home too. Trying to take care of kids, work from home while kids are home, keep a schedule when there is no schedule, have to homeschool/crisis school when we never even wanted to be a teacher, I mean even getting groceries and paper towels can make up feel powerless. Our “normal life” is gone, the comfort of our routines are gone, and with it goes our feelings of safety and security.

We also know that during seasons or crisis or disaster abuse goes up. Domestic violence and child abuse go up, because when people feel out of control, they look for “What can I control? Where can I feel a sense of control?”

Years ago during my life crisis I had to come to terms with, “Well there’s not a whole lot that I can control. I can trick myself and I can pretend I have control, but at the end of the day, I really don’t”; and none of us have control of this season. A season we don’t even see an end to.

Even today, my daughter said, “Mom, I just wish I knew when the end date was. I just wish I knew if I was  going back to school or not?  When is this going to be over?”

I replied, “Em, I think that’s how all of us feel. We all want to know when, right?” It would be so much easier if we knew on this date, life will go back to “normal”, right?

But just like childhood cancer, I don’t think there will be a “normal” to go back to. We will all be changed because of this experience. And we will choose, each of us individually, will choose if we’re changed for the better or for the worst.

It’s when we become spiritually grounded, we understand and accept there’s so little we have control over.

Yet we are all connected. We are all made from energy and our energy is interconnected. We were created, from God, we come from one. We’re not individual people. We are a community. We are a whole world of interconnected people. This can be a beautiful season for us to grow in our faith, to be present to be with God, to ask difficult questions, and to have some difficult conversations.  

I wasn’t always ‘sure” of my faith. Remember how we mentioned books can change us? One book that changed me was Lee Strobel’s, “The Case for Christ”. I went through a season where I was raised in one religion, and as a young adult, really didn’t know what I actually believed.  It was a five-year period of questioning, studying different religions and faiths and when I stumbled across that book it changed me,

What I love most about the book is that Lee was an atheist when he started out. If you’re really questioning what you believe or what you don’t believe, this is must read. Especially if you are like I was and would think, “I don’t care what your book or Bible says. I want to know what history says. Secular facts that are available to me.” This book hit the mark.

Another book that I love is “Battlefield of the Mind”, by Joyce Meyer. Especially during this season it’s extra appropriate. We started the first day on this series talking about the battle is here in our mind, right? Not letting fear take over. I’ve actually read it multiple times in different seasons throughout my life.

The third book that has most impacted my spiritual life is, “The Circle Maker” by Mark Batterson.  Another life-changing book for me.

Those are my top three and if you have a favorite one, comment, and share!

Again, you may not share my faith, and there maybe other books which are a better fit for you right now. That’s okay. The goal is to grow spiritually, regardless of where your get your connection with God.  Use this season to build those roots in your faith which allow you to stand strong during difficult times.

So later this week we will continue on in our quarantine cave…and this time we will be looking at the cave itself!  So comment, like, subscribe, share or whatever…just hope to see you back again ….thanks for being part of my world!

Photo by madison lavern on Unsplash